We have all had the experience where you are bidding on an item on eBay and it’s coming down to the last few minutes and then all hell breaks loose in the auction. Well, here is a short play about just that.

(All characters in this play are fictional and are not based on any real people)

THE BATTLE OF EBAY

The lights come up on the left side of the stage. Here we find Brandy, mid 30s,  sitting on her couch looking at her laptop.  She smiles the biggest smile you’ve ever seen and then grabs the phone and dials.

Brandy

Hey, Jenny guess what? I found one… on eBay. Well, it ends soon, like 5 minutes, but it’s only up to $35. What do you think?… He’s been looking for one for such a long time.  Do you know how excited he’s going to be? Okay, but I’m not going to let myself go above $75. Talk to ya later, bye.

(She clicks a button on her laptop and we hear)

eBay voice

Congratulations, you are the highest bidder.

(Brandy exits.)

The lights come up on the right side of the stage. The stage is split down the middle. With Brandy’s setting on the left and on the right side we see an office setting. A man SAM sits at his cubicle.  Sam is looking at his phone.

Sam

Outbid me will you!

(enter MR. MURPHY)

Mr. Murphy

Sam, how are things going with the Candle account?

(Sam quickly hides his phone)

SAM

Just fine sir. I should be finished with everything by the end of the day.

MR. MURPHY

Good.

(Mr. Murphy exits. Sam makes sure the coast is clear and then pulls out his phone. He frowns and pushes a button on his phone.)

Ebay voice

Congratulations, you are the highest bidder.

(Sam begins to type something on his phone)

SAM VOICE OVER

You can try to outbid me all you want br3456 but it won’t work. For resistance is futile.

Living room

(Brandy enters the living room, sits back on the couch and checks her laptop)

Brandy

What?

(She reads the message then clicks a button)

EBAY VOICE

Congratulations. You are the highest bidder.

(Brandy types on her laptop)

BRANDY VOICE OVER

Listen, yoda_79, I mean asshole, you can take your dorky-ass name and shove it! This item is mine! By the way, that’s no way to talk to a female!

Office

(We hear: BEEP.

Sam pulls out his phone. He gives it a discouraged look and the hits a button)

EBAY VOICE

Congratulations. You are the highest bidder.

(Sam types)

SAM VOICE OVER

Asshole? It’s nice to see that your vocabulary is as broad as I’m sure your vagina is. At least I know how to spell “bitch.” Or at least how to spot one!

Living room

BRANDY

(still on her computer)

Okay then jerk. Take that!

EBAY VOICE

Congratulations. You are the highest bidder.

(Brandy types)

BRANDY VOICE OVER

Please, you haven’t even seen the beginning of what a bitch can be. Although, I’m sure that your mother is a good example of how big one can be.

Office

(BEEP)

SAM

Damn it!

(Sam pulls out his phone again. Enter Mr. Murphy)

MR. MURPHY

Everything okay in here?

SAM

(hiding his phone)

What? Oh, yes everything is fine. I just stubbed my finger working on this account.

MR. MURPHY

I don’t want to see a Workman’s Comp claim because of this.

(Exit Mr. Murphy. Sam pushes a button on his phone)

EBAY VOICE

Congratulations. You are the highest bidder.

(Sam types)

SAM VOICE OVER

There is no need to bring our mothers into this. I’m sure if we brought yours then there would be no room for any others!

Living room

BRANDY

Son-of-a…

(Brandy picks up the phone and dials)

Office

(Sam’s phone rings)

SAM

Hello

BRANDY

Hey honey. How’s work?

SAM

Oh, you know. It’s work. What’s up?

BRANDY

Have you spent any money from our joint account in the last couple of days?

SAM

No. Why? Is something wrong?

BRANDY

No just wondering. I was thinking of buying something.

(Brandy pushes a button on her computer)

EBAY VOICE

Congratulations. You are the highest bidder.

(BEEP)

SAM

DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!

BRANDY

What’s wrong honey?

SAM

Nothing. I’ve got to go.

The lights go down on Brandy’s side of the stage.

Office

(Sam ends the call with Brandy and hits another button on his phone)

EBAY VOICE

Congratulations. You are the highest bidder.

(Sam set his phone down on his desk)

(BEEP)

SAM

You’ve got to be kidding me!

(Once more, he hits a button on his phone)

EBAY VOICE

Congratulations. You are the highest bidder.

(Sam keeps the phone in his hand. He stares at it intensely)

EBAY VOICE

Item ending in 10 seconds.

(BEEP)

(Sam clicks a button on his phone)

EBAY VOICE

Congratulations. You are the highest bidder.

(BEEP)

EBAY VOICE

Item ending in 5 seconds.

(Sam again clicks a button on his phone)

EBAY VOICE

Congratulations. You are the highest bidder.

SAM

Come on!

EBAY VOICE

Item ending in 3..2…

(BEEP)

SAM

DAMN IT!

The lights go up on Brandy’s side of the stage. There she sits on her couch with her laptop on her lap with a look of triumph on her face.

EBAY VOICE

Congratulations. You have just won this item for $235.

(Brandy types a message)

BRANDY VOICE OVER

Ha ha dick-head! You can suck it all the way to Loserville! Have fun sucking your thumb and crying yourself to sleep with all of the other losers!

(She picks up her phone and dials. Sam answers)

SAM

Hello.

BRANDY

Hi honey! You are never going to guess what I just won for you on eBay!

The lights go down. The curtain falls.

THE END